《茶壶回文诗》

落雪飞芳树幽红雨淡霞薄月迷香雾流风舞艳花
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把这首诗写成一个首尾相接的环形，随便从哪一个字念起，随便向哪个方向念，都可以形成一首诗！

Unable to sleep

Because I am on leave
Because I have so much left undone
Because…
I did something I am uber proud of today and need to SHOUT it out to the world, but can’t. Yet.

———–

Did I do much today? Yes!
Checked email.
Had breakfast with hubby at Toa Payoh. Husband went to work.
Went to CPF board to ask some questions.
Went to Bishan Popular to buy stuff for baby.
Bought ridiculously priced stickers for the baby room from Junction 8. Regret.
Met up with hubby and went back to Toa Payoh’s Popular to compare products and prices. Toa Payoh’s Popular is naturally better (because it is bigger). Mental note: do not buy craft materials from Bishan Popular.
Went to Tzu Chi with hubby so that he can settle some admin stuff.
Went to Giant and Ikea. Had lunch. Bought stuffs, but no rug. As JZ predicted. T_T
Went to buy some “engineering wonder” of a fan because husband said that kind of thing makes him go weak in the knees… T_T
Wanted to go to Fo Guan Shan temple for a calligraphy session, but it was raining too heavily.
Reached home in the afternoon. Husband went to work.
Packed the storeroom half-heartedly and briefly.
DID the thingy which I am uber proud of and which took all the way till now. 1.30 am. But it’s DONE. It threw my schedule off but no regrets.

Tomorrow will be one long tiring day of cleaning. I hope!

And no time for homework. T_T
I’d have to take leave again to do homework.

Feelings of stress

The stress of people on the poverty line is different from the stress of people who just wants to do well.

………….

The hubby displayed a lot of confidence in me these few days.

“What about your wife?” people asked.
“She supports me,” he said confidently.
“She must not change,” he said firmly when questioned about our values.
“At most we will just suffer together.”

No doubt, no hesitation. I was somewhat pleased by the depth of his faith. He’s been doing everything. I don’t know what I can do for him.

不求有功， 只求无惑

that was what the teacher of the previous module told us.

A bit unambitious… I don’t agree with it (except when it comes to my exams!)

the lecturer for my current module is a lot more demanding. It will be a stressful three months for me…

after getting the diploma, i think i should pick up a foreign language. Something useful that i can teach the daughter. japanese is too common. I also need to learn how to drive the husband around. And taiji, or yoga, for health.

Will have to see if got spare cash for all of that or not.

Okay, back to studying!

Be gentle in attitude

Be gentle in attitude,
Be conscientious in conduct.

Sometimes, I’m just too anal, and I forget the feelings of others.

Learnt two lessons today.

Interview.
Feedback.

Must be more sensitive to the feelings of others.

小虎儿

He said, “Don’t name the child yet.“

So I only had a pet name.

The date 2nd September had always been a day of celebration. It was his birthday and my mom’s birthday.

But this year, 2nd September, we lost our baby.

If I had named it…

re-evaluation

I had a happy steamboat dinner last night with some very old friends.

two of them told me that they had always thought that i am a strong and independent woman. I felt very surprised. And extremely pleased.

I’ve always felt that i’m not strong enough.

the husband often calls me weak. But i have always felt that only an extremely resilient woman could have survived a relationship with him. even so, one’s confidence does get eroded over time.

So what they said was really affirming and made me feel very happy.

There was a class presentation for my group’s project today.

of the five team members, i put in the most effort and time. However, the one who put in the least effort presented. I was furious throughout her presentation because not only did she not read the presentation notes i prepared, she saboed the group with irrelevant points, wrong information, and the downplay of our efforts.

i felt that the work deserved better and i should have insisted on presenting myself.

But after presentations by other teams, i was humbled. The presenters for two other teams, sean and kai, are VERY VERY good. i know that even if i had insisted on the presentation, i would not have done as well. So if i cannot live up to that standard of excellence, then what right have i to insist it from her?

I may be able to do better than her. But if i were in her shoes and kai was in my team, i would feel terrible if i could not live up to kai’s standards.

So… I realized that i had been very uncharitable…

The secret to happiness, i told pl today, is to have no expectations. I forgot my own advice with the project work. Hopefully i’ll remember it next time.

Pain!

The first time I put on the eye ointment the doctor gave for my eye infection, I doubled up in pain and sobbed. Immediately called the clinic to double check if I’m using it correctly. The doctor told me to apply it on the inner and outer eyelids. I confirmed this at the counter and called to confirm again. The nurse checked with the doctor, then called back to confirm.

After applying it for three times and experiencing constant pain the whole day, the hubby insisted that I google the ointment. All references point to veterinary medicine (for cats, dogs, goats and rabbits)! Same name, same pharmaceutical company!!! On one website, it is even stated that it is not for human use (exact same name!).

I freaked out. After washing the ointment from my eye, the pain is still there but has subsided significantly.

I’m now wondering if I’d go blind from the use. No right? I mean… if it’s used on cats, presumably cats won’t go blind from it and cats = mammals, so their eyes are not so different from mine, right?

Oh my god…

Troubled

“If i have to consider ur mum’s condition, who is gg care about mine, so is ok for me to go crazy or a divorce?”
So wrote the agitated sil. I had the same thoughts. The men kept asking the women to make her happy. But at what cost to their women?

These days, I’ve been thinking a lot.

Really, no one wants to hang out with difficult people. If she weren’t the way she is, I think things would be very different. If she had been his godmother, I would let her move in if the need arises. If she had been my mom, I would beg her to move in. But she is such a difficult and irrational person that being with her is like listening to a fork screeching over a chalkboard continuously. I dread the thought of living with her for the next few decades. If I have to live with her, I would not want to go home. I would think my life has no meaning. I would become depressed and angry and, we would quarrel over her all the time. Then I’ll take the daughter and jump off a building.

Sil and I both felt at one point or other that we would rather leave our husbands than live with her and end up splashed all over the pavement.

Isn’t that a terrible thought? It must be terrible to him. What kind of wife am I? Couldn’t I stand by his side and share his woes? And doesn’t the fact that he treats my own mother with respect mean that I should do the same (even though my mother is an angel, and his mother is a…. ?)

If I really really love the husband, shouldn’t I make the sacrifice of my mental health instead of putting him in the difficult position?

If the men had understood the difficulties and degree of sacrifice involved, then wouldn’t the women have sacrificed everything for them?

But they didn’t, so we didn’t.

He asked me to pity her. I was very hard-hearted and had to try very hard to adjust my attitude, but now, I finally do pity her.

So… I am wavering. I know the sil would rather die than take her in. She would really really divorce the bil than put up with the mil. I think… I love my husband a little more than that.

So I think I should eventually be able to overcome my selfishness.

The biggest problem now though is that it is not only me. If it were only me, doing the right thing by her would make me want to commit suicide, but it can be done. I would learn not to let her affect me mentally.

But… my daughter… I am worried about the effect exposure to the mil has on her.

Already, there are so many suspicions. Recently, my mother found aspects of my daughter’s behaviour and development suspiciously suggesting traumatic experiences in the past, such as panic attacks, which makes me writhe with guilt, which means that I start to become paranoid and determined not to let anything that can potentially hurt her happen again, which means that I would find the mil’s crazy behaviour unacceptable and would fight with the husband over it and…

so we went a full circle.

There is no solution.

Why do toddlers have panic attacks? I’ve been doing some research. It seems that the top reason is genetics, not traumatic experience, though my mom thinks it has to be trauma. The child is one quarter the mil after all… There’s no history of depression on my side of the family.

Even if it’s not genetics… could it be uneasiness from the changing environments?

I was wrong wrong wrong!

Super bad mood comes along…

…when you have inconsolable people loudly wailing, raving and cursing in your house, slamming your cabinet drawers and telling the whole world about how badly people have been treating them.

Now she is sobbing on my only armchair. She has so much pity for herself.

I don’t donate to the wealthy.

Is it very hard-hearted of me to say something like this? But I really feel unmoved, impatient, exhausted and annoyed by the drama. I hope I won’t become someone like her.

——————-

Just the day before, he drove home the same point I knew from a long time ago. There is a kind of person who is unable to feel for people around them, but would cry for utter strangers.

I refuse to be someone like her. So I have to deal with it.

——————-

The older generation and many men just don’t understand. Women don’t need men anymore. The world has changed while they were sleeping.